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My wife was a b*tch. Yep, I said it. And there was a time when I truly believed it. She’s a very strong, independent, and moody woman. And being married to that can suck … to say the least.
She was constantly pushing, nagging, and arguing. She was constantly telling me how unhappy she was. Nothing I could do made her happy. And believe me, I tried. I was so damn tired of her being unhappy, and yet I just KNEW that if she changed, she would be happier. After all, I’m not responsible for her happiness (which countless counselors told me).
I tried for YEARS to get her to change – to be softer, sweeter, amiable … but the more I tried to change her, the worse she became. And the worse our marriage got.
Then, I was talking to a mentor one day, and he asked me “why are you so obsessed with your wife changing?”.
I had 3 really good reasons:
- I wanted my wife to join me on my journey. I wanted it to be a partnership. I wanted the two of us to be on the same page when it came to our relationship.
- I wanted it to be fair. I wanted equal effort by both parties in our marriage. I mean, she’s made her fair share of mistakes, so I shouldn’t be the only one trying here.
- I believed that it took both of us to heal our marriage.
His response sent me into a tailspin: “Brian, YOU GET to be the one to change; not her.”
What the f!?!?!? What do you mean “get?!” At first, I was so p*ssed. This is a marriage with two people in it; not just one. It takes two to tango. And on and on…
Correct. All of that’s true.
But then he asked “do you want to be right, or do you want to be happy?”
And the more I thought about it, I realized he was 100% right.
My beliefs, although all totally valid, weren’t serving my mission to improve or heal my marriage and life.
Nor will it serve you.
Nor will it serve you.
If you’ve been wishing for a miracle that your wife will change, you aren’t serving yourself or your mission.
You’re actually being counterproductive.
And here’s why:
- YOU are the one that wants more in your life and marriage. The mere fact that you signed up to be on my email list tells me that there’s something you want. If you want something, YOU have to put in the work; she can’t do it for you.
- If you’re reading this, between the two of you, YOU’re the most capable. YOU have a larger capacity for growth than she does. YOU have the ability to lead more than she does. YOU can handle the hard work; she can’t.
- You can only control YOU. To put energy into what she should, or shouldn’t, be doing will drain you. Trust me. Focus on you.
- She’ll only go as far as YOU’re willing to go. As you lead, she will follow. Seriously. As you put in the work and show up differently, she’ll have to keep pace with you … she’ll want to keep pace with you. If she chooses not to, you will lovingly leave her behind and move forward with your life.
- YOU don’t have to change; you GET to change. Yes, this is an opportunity that life has presented to you. Embrace it. Love it. You get the honor of doing the work and evolving as a man. You get to share your best self with the world. After all, that’s what the world is asking of you.
The truth is, if growth is all you get from this (and she never changes or your marriage never gets better), then you’re way ahead of the game. This is YOUR life to live. YOU matter. And YOUR future matters.
So, stop chasing the illusion that you can change her. It’s not your choice. Changing YOU is your choice, and it’s 100% in your control.
And I’ll let you in on a little secret … when YOU change, your marriage WILL change. It can’t stay the same when one person changes their part. It’s not possible.
Interesting, right? Straight truth here … you CAN change yourself AND your marriage … just by focusing on YOU.
Focus on what you can control … and that is you.
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