What the h=ll does she want from you?

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A Little Marriage Advice

Can I share a little about my marriage?  This is a little embarrassing … There was a time when I was REALLY STRUGGLING in my marriage (that’s not the embarrassing part).  Despite being in a pit of despair, I honestly thought I was doing everything right.  No joke (that’s the embarrassing part).  

I mean, there was a time when I was clueless.  I felt like I was doing the right things but my marriage was getting worse everyday.

Even my wife would say I was a “good husband.”

Yet my marriage SUCKED.  And here’s why…

I was “active” in my marriage, but I was focused on all the wrong things.  I was focused on what I knew; what I felt competent doing. I played it safe.  

But I wasn’t paying attention to her needs, as a woman … as my wife. 

I was spinning trying to find a way to fix the situation and please my wife and it was draining to say the least. 

After working with my coach and digging deeper, I figured out what she needed, and I was able to focus my attention there … where it counted.

And things started to get much better. 

So, let me give some marriage advice share what she needs from you. 

She needs:

1.       Security: 

To meet her need for security, we’re not talking about financial provision (although that’s very important).  Meeting her need for security means ensuring that she feels valued, cared for, and appreciated .  That you stand by her side and prioritize her in the good times and the bad.  That you will protect her and have her back.  That you will never act, speak, or threaten to leave her, because to do so, will sever any security that she felt and may close her off for good.

When she feels safe, she can open to you.  Emotionally and physically.

2.   Open, honest, two-way communication: 

She wants to be able to talk freely, openly, and feel safe opening up to you.  She doesn’t want you to “fix” anything.  She simply wants you to actively listen.

She wants YOU to open YOUR heart to her and speak your deepest truth.  Sharing isn’t a weakness; it’s a strength and it strengthens the bond between the two of you.  She doesn’t want headlines or to talk about the weather and sports with you.  She wants to talk LIFE with you.  She wants to feel your depth.

Speak to her openly and patiently, and fully listen to her in the same way.  Give her your FULL presence.  Put away your phone.  Turn off the TV.

3.       Soft, non-sexual touch and affection:  

She wants to be held and touched non-sexually.  Meaning, she wants affection that shows that you love her; not that you want to get her into bed.  For example, my wife loves when I run my fingers through her hair when we’re just hanging out on the couch.

When you only touch her sexually, and with the expectation of sex, she feels used, devalued, and like an object.  

Affection will draw you closer together, and YES, increase the likelihood of sex. 

Now, I said there were 4 things that your wife needs from you … but #4 is so big that it needs its own email.  So, stay tuned … tomorrow I’ll share #4.  

Let’s just say that when you achieve this 4th need, you will be in control of your life and marriage moving forward.