Have you heard, or said, something along these lines?…
“My wife and I haven’t been intimate for a year.” I hear something along those lines all of the time…
What they’re really tyring to say is “My wife and I haven’t had sex in a year.”
And that’s a problem. It’s a problem that they haven’t had sex in a year.
But there’s another problem here:
They think that intimacy equals sex.
Sex is part of intimacy, but it’s NOT intimcay. Intimacy is bigger; intimacy is better; intimacy is powerful. More powerful than you think.
I get it. For most of my early adult life (well into my 30’s), I thought “intimacy” was the equivalent to having sex. But let me tell you what intimacy really is, and is not, and why it’s the foundation of your relationship.
First, intimacy is NOT romance, sex, chocolates, and flowers. These are all great things but they don’t define intimacy.
Intimacy is SHARING. It;s sharing truths, fears, feelings, stories, activities … and yes, sex. It’s NOT secrets, withholding, or hiding.
Intimacy is about connection.
Intimacy is built over time. It’s not the magical feeling that you had when you first met your wife. Intimacy is deep and builds over time.
Intimacy is the bridge to all that you’re looking for in marriage. It builds your connection and bond. It builds trust. It builds desire and attraction. It’s the “good stuff” in marriage”.
Yet, so many are afraid to be intimate with their spouse. More than likely, you never saw your parents be truly intimate. I know I didn’t. I know my wife didn’t. I know the men I work with didn’t. You don’t see it on tv, and the media sure as hell doesn’t promote it.
Instead, we’re taught the exact opposite. To hide; to be shameful; to attack; to be “right.”
We’re afraid to share and engage in true intimacy, because we don’t want to feel judged, rejected, and, to be honest, because we don’t know how!
Have you noticed how your wife gets upset with you for doing something, rather than tell you what she needs? Have you ever noticed that you share NOTHING about how you truly feel with your wife? Do you find yourself constantly withholding? How, together, you don’t talk about your hopes, dreams, pains, regrets, and feelings? How neither of you are honest. But if I was a betting man, I’d bet she’s more honest and upfront than you are.
Have you noticed that your daily interactions are surface level, task oriented, bitching and moaning … or no nothing at all?
This is no way to be in a relationship! You deserve more. She deserves more. Your children deserve more.
You have to learn how to share. You have to learn how to listen. You have to get over your fears and say the thing(s) that you know you should say, but don’t.
If you want intimacy, you go first.
Speak your truths in order to open her up. What do I mean by “truths”? I mean, be F&*^ing honest with her! How you feel. What you need. What is bothering you. What you’re afraid of. What you believe in. What you hope for. What you dream of. What your vision is.
She may shut down initially, but that’s no worse than what’s currently happening. And over time, she will open.
Real intimacy may sound scary, but it’s the lifeline of your marriage. And the more you practice it, the easier it gets. And the more intimate you are, the better your marriage is, and YES, the more sex you’ll have.
I see it in my own marriage. When things feel “off,” that’s a signal that we’re not intimate. That one of us is shut down. It’s a signal to get to work. To share. To open her up.
To get back in relationship with her!