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Sex … it’s on your mind.
You want more of it. You want to be better at it. You fantasize about it (often with other women).
And it’s one of the biggest “issues” and controversies in a marriage.
And I know … from personal experience! It can be the haunting ghost of your marriage.
If you find that you and your wife are struggling in the department of sex, you are not alone.
The two most common complaints that I hear are…
- My wife does not want to have sex with me.
- I’ve lost my interest in having sex with my wife; I feel like I’ve lost my drive.
Dealing with sex can be very complicated and require some serious healing that can take specific work on its own. But, I do find that most problems in the bedroom can be remedied.
If your wife doesn’t seem to want to have sex with you, that doesn’t mean that’s the way things have to be.
Refrain from making a blanket statement like “my wife hates sex” or “my wife won’t have sex with me.” That’s the way that it is right now, but you don’t know the reason, and that’s not the way that it has to be.
There are a few common reasons why she’s not willingly pursuing you for sex or allowing you to pursue her for sex. These could also be the reasons that you’re not actively pursuing her for sex.
- She (or you) isn’t feeling loved – This is the foundation of your marriage. If this is broken, so is the rest. And for women, often sex and love are intimately connected. Why would she open herself up to you if she’s not feeling loved? And the same is for you, without feeling loved, you will withdraw. It is time to start building connection…
- She isn’t feeling led – This is the foundation of you as a man and husband. She must be able to trust you. If she can’t trust you, why would she think it’s safe enough to engage in sex with you? Leading her can lead to many great things in the bedroom.
- She (or you) doesn’t feel connected – Connection is the conduit to sex. If she feels constantly judged, belittled, your anger, your unhappiness, or simply like a “piece of ass,” she likely doesn’t feel connected. Connection comes first; then sex.
- She believes that you don’t have the skills – she may be bored and disinterested from your lack of skills. Like anything in life that’s worth having, it takes work and skill to be successful. Make a commitment to working on your skills … to learn how to properly warm her up and turn her on.
A man that has “lost his drive” can seek professional testing, as this is sometimes the case. But typically, what drives these types of symptoms are stress, fear, expectations, feeling demeaned, and the lack of belief in who he is, as a man.
When you feel stress and don’t believe in yourself, and you look to any woman to validate you, you are far more susceptible to porn, affairs, and withdrawal. You start to connect with a fantasy, because you don’t believe in yourself, in reality.
When you feel demeaned and belittled at home, you’re less likely to want to have sex with your wife. Work on standing up for yourself, set boundaries, and put an end to this dynamic in your relationship.
Sex “issues” can destroy a marriage. If you feel like you’re struggling in this department, don’t sweep it under the rug just because you don’t know what to do, or because you’re not sure how she will react.
This fear will cripple your marriage.
While sex can be the source of major marital distress, it can also be the most connecting and beautiful part of your marriage.
Get help with this part of your relationship. You want it. Now, do something about it.
Action Step:
Ask her how she’s feeling about sex … without any expectation. Listen to her without the need to respond. HEAR her. Ask her what she needs. Ask her what she wants from you, both sexually and non-sexually. Does she want you to take a step back, or does she want you to step up?
Communication is key to any marriage, relationship or business. Without it, they all die.