I can remember, like it was yesterday, not wanting to have a difficult conversation with my wife …
Wait. That’s because it was yesterday. I’m not kidding.
Yes, I coach men on how to be in a relationship, how to effectively communicate, and how to have difficult conversations … but that doesn’t make me exempt from still having my own struggles when it comes to having difficult conversations.
I am human. I still have fears. I have my OWN desires. I carry my own baggage in the relationship.
But, I am 30X more advanced and confident than I was a few years ago, and I actively work on it daily.
And I will tell you this: the fear of conflict, not speaking my truth, and having difficult conversations no longer runs my life. And here’s why …
Anyone can BE in a relationship, but I want to be IN relationship. Can you feel the difference?
Being IN relationship requires you to be vulnerable, to speak your truth, and to talk about difficult things. You share when IN relationship.
And it’s the most fulfilling thing that you’ll do in your marriage.
It draws the two of you closer. It builds connection, not division.
You’ll no longer be afraid of telling your wife what you really think.
Imagine that! Imagine not avoiding difficult conversations. Imagine saying how you feel ALL the time. Imagine the weight that would be lifted off your shoulders. The stress that would be relieved. And the freedom that you would feel!
It is possible, I promise.
But you must understand this first…
You see, we don’t LIKE to have difficult conversations because of fear. Yes, fear. That ugly feeling that ruins our lives.
We’re afraid of their reaction … don’t want to rock the boat … or poke the bear. We’re afraid that they won’t approve of us … that they won’t agree with us … that they’ll storm off, blame us, yell at us. Or worse … that they’ll leave us.
And all of those reactions SUCK!
But they don’t suck bad enough to stay quiet and disengage.
A relationship run by fear, where you don’t share your truth, is not a relationship. It’s a parent-child relationship you used to have when you were a kid with your mom and dad.
You’re a married adult now.
To not be yourself and speak your truth in a relationship is bullshit! You should be FREE in your relationship; you shouldn’t feel caged.
You MUST speak your truth. You MUST stop being avoidant.
This is where freedom and connection both exist in your marriage.
You might not see it by her oftentimes harsh reactions, but it’s actually what she wants from you. She wants to know that you stand for something. That you have your own convictions. She wants to know who you really are.
But you have to retrain the relationship out of the old pattern.
Here’s what you can do:
- Get comfortable with being uncomfortable. Understand your own discomfort. Why are you afraid to bring this topic up? Why’re you avoiding this conflict? Why’re you withholding how you truly feel? Are you afraid that she will yell, leave, blame? And if she does? To understand your discomfort is POWERFUL. This is a great starting point.
- If you’re feeling ready, it’s time to lean in and go for it. Be vulnerable and say how you feel. When you feel that tension inside, that’s a signal to pay attention. To step out and say something.
EX: “Hey babe, there’s something that I’m a little afraid to share, but I feel like I need to … When you said that I never help with the kids, I felt blamed, so I got pissed off. I was insecure about being a shitty husband and man. Can we agree to not blame each other, and instead you can just ask me for help? I’ll work on being more active with the kids.”
This is very textbook, and your delivery doesn’t have to be. The point is, just say something! The more you withhold the fact that you feel blamed and shitty, the more distant the two of you will become and shittier you will feel.
Saying something rather than nothing at least gives you a starting point; a place to work from.
Start there, and then you can improve your tactics to be more effective as you go. “Hey babe, please don’t blame me. I’m not ok with that.”
It’s ok to be scared. It’s also ok for it to not go well. This is all very new to the relationship.
The more you speak up, the better it will get.
Speak up in your marriage. Say what’s true for you.
The truth will set your marriage free!